|BASK IN MY PHOTOSHOPPING WIT.|
Anyway, this week is my high-school's state-testing week, which is an excuse for our state legislatures to fire teachers because Little Johnny doesn't know what the hell a derivative is, much less what the hell it would be if it had something to do with pi. Mmm, pie. I'm a senior, so I don't have to come into school at all! It was supposed to be a great week, since midterms are over, and I have a whole week ahead of me to blog, redecorate my room, go shopping, and catch up on Glee and Emily Owens. IN YOUR FACE UNDERCLASSMEN! BOW DOWN TO YOUR ELDERS. I practiced my evil laugh for a whole day in preparation!
BUT NO. We do not live in a world where good things happen to me. I've been sick since Saturday! It's Wednesday now! I've averaged being awake for 10 hours per day! GAH! During this Week O' Terrors, I've managed to leave my room in shambles after half-redoing my poster wall. I've folded zero laundry. (I never fold laundry, so I'm not sure why I mentioned this? IGNORE.) I even painted my nails black in the resulting emo-ness this sickness has brought about.
But the worst thing about being sick? COUGH SYRUP. No, not the Young the Giant song. Actual cough syrup. Thus, this post was born! I looked at my bottle of Day Quil this morning, and I realized that I've used about an entire bottle over the last five days, so I consider myself quite the expert on the syrups fo' da coughin'.
Which brings me to my point. WHY DOES COUGH SYRUP TASTE SO HEINOUS?! I mean, I get why. If drug companies made it taste too good, people would be ODing all over the place. Plus, the crap it's made of is naturally bitter. Blah blah blah. But Vicks has gone too far. TOO FAR I SAY!
Signs Vicks has gone too far:
- They prescribe that you take 30 mL, EVERY FOUR GODDAMNED HOURS. In sick-teenager-speak, 30 mL = 3,000 gallons. And four hours is only time enough to watch two chick flicks! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PICK BETWEEN MEAN GIRLS, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, AND MATERIAL GIRLS?! I actually have to get up from my blanket and pillow fortress to take MORE of that sludge? Screw that! Put on The Devil Wears Prada.
- It is literally the worst-tasting thing ever invented ever. If you combined sewage, lima beans, italian dressing, freezer-burned waffles, and neopolitan ice cream, and served it atop a fresh bed of lawn clippings, it would taste like a grade A premium cut prime rib steak in comparison to Day Quil.
- My face when my mom says I should take some Day Quil:
- My face after taking Day Quil:
- Why do they even bother putting the little pictures of fruit on the bottle? Vicks has the AUDACITY to make me think that Day Quil tastes like delicious oranges and lemons! And that Ny Quil is somehow reminiscent of berries! NO! NO THEY ARE NOT! I don't know what the hell kind of berries and citrus fruits you're eating, Vicks, but I suggest you stop buying your produce from the farmers' market adjacent to the toxic-waste plant. Just a suggestion.
- The way that you cringe when you drink the stuff is an indication that maybe on the way to Rite-Aid, the Vicks truck collided with the gasoline truck. It's impossible not to cringe. Plus, it sticks to your lips like some kind of sick lip balm FOR HOURS unless you drink, like, ten quarts of Seven-Up, which will not only irritate your throat, but will also completely reverse the effects of Ny Quil in the first place. Just a tip.
- Ny Quil knocks you out for WAY to long. I get wanting to sleep, because it's better that coughing your brains out, but it knocks me out for upwards of twelve hours. Like so-knocked-out-it's-reminiscent-of-elephant-tranquilizers-mixed-with-Thanksgiving-dinner-knocked-out. Some of us have places to go! Like the couch, to watch more chick flicks! Ny Quil even makes my dreams stupid.
- Make it taste better, or at least as good as ice cream covered in chocolate sauce atop a bed of crumbled brownies.
- Make the dosage way smaller. Like one droplet you only have to take once a year, mixed with chocolate fudge.
- Make it work better.
- Rename it Day Kill, because then it would be truthful advertising.
- Provide a complimentary mouthwash or ice-cream sundae with each bottle, for washing the horrid taste out of your mouth.
- Provide a complimentary elf to dance humorously for those who are unlucky enough to have to take cough medicine at all.
- Make that elf go to school for the sick person and also braid the sick person's hair into beautiful plaits that make her look like Rapunzel.
- Also make the elf read stories to the sick person.
- Include steak with each purchase.
Enjoy your flu season, kiddies!